A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
