im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Holy sore nipples Batman
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
