Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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