There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
