Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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