Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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