As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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