You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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