i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
