If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
