You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
