There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
