I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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