I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
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We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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