i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
my liver is dry heaving
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
