You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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