Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I intend to get homeless drunk
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
