Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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