Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
