Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I'm having to shit out rocks
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
