how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I came so hard my ears popped.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
