I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
