At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
And then my night got REAL pukey
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
