Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
