just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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