My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
i believe in u and ur pee
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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