It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
