why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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