Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
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