So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
