Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Found the puke drawer
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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