the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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