it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
