3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
