just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize