I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
