My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
