her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
