I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
