can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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