I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
