theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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