Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
