Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
