Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
