guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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