The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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