Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
