More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
