My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
