I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Randomize
