Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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