We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
