Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
