On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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